Funerals & Memorials

Funerals

Memorial Services

Generally a memorial service takes place several weeks after the funeral. Sometimes a memorial service is referred to as a service of thanksgiving. Usually the deceased had a connection either with the church or this part of London.

The Rector and Director of Music are involved in the planning of the service.

All Souls' Service

A very popular service, the Commemoration of All Souls Eucharist is kept on the Sunday nearest 2 November at 16.00.There is music and readings, prayers, Holy Communion and the lighting of candles by members of the congregation; the names of the dead are read out and silence kept. People find it very moving and beautiful and make a point of coming back each year.

The Columbarium

The Columbarium is known as 'one of London's secret gardens.' It lies to the east of the church down a flight of stairs. There are some niches on an outside wall and others are in a covered area enclosed by a gate. We have many requests for the placing of ashes here, but because of the limited space, only the ashes of those who were worshipping members of the congregation or who lived within the parish at time of death are placed there.

"I am the resurrection and the life", says the Lord.

"Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live".

Saint John 11.25,26

Death and Dying

In November, we had a special focus on 'talking about death well'. Here are some of the notes from these conversations at the end of the Parish Eucharist each Sunday. We hope they are of use to you. Please do contact us for any more conversation or assistance.

I

This month of November we are focussing in our music during the Parish Eucharist, and in our preaching and other bits on death and dying. It has come up a lot in recent conversations, and it was suggested that we could make a little focus of it. Not to wallow in despair, but to have honest conversations about practical aspects of death and dying, and to be encouraged to make good funeral service plans (an enormous gift to our loved ones), and to prepare for death by celebrating life, and (perhaps most importantly) being honest. 

This afternoon at 4 o’clock we will offer our annual Eucharist for the dead, All Souls. Naming loved ones who have died; remembering those in this community - named and unnamed - who have gone before us. Mr France, Tom France, one of our trusted and excellent local Funeral Directors will be here to read the first lesson as always. Do feel free to speak to him or any of us clergy. We prepare for new jobs, pension plans, holiday plans. It is amazing how unprepared we can be for something as universal and important as dying.

Every night monks and nuns and many ordinary Christians like you and me around the world pray Compline, Night Prayer. I can help you find a copy of this little mini service if you want. It’s also on the free Church of England Daily Prayer App. It is a really helpful way to review the day, to say sorry and thank you, and join our prayers with those in most need in the world. Night Prayer/Compline, has also always been understood as a daily preparation for death. Readying the heart and mind for the evening of life, not just the evening of a day. This ancient Christian wisdom is not easy, but it is so psychologically and spiritually healthy.

Not least because, for us, the evening of life is not an endless night. It isn’t a brick wall, it is a doorway.

II

You’ll see a booklist from Dn Lucy on the Sunday sheet today - continuing our theme of talking about death well, here are some resources. Please do share your own amongst ourselves.

As we’ve said, this theme ‘talking about death well’ this November is not about being morbid. But embracing living well, and preparing for death well.

We hope these books help.

Two further little ideas to mention. The C of E in recent years has also encouraged us to avoid euphemisms, but to speak honestly about death and dying - we can’t avoid them, and its healthier to speak about them straightforwardly.

It’s also good - no matter your age and stage - to have funeral plans and talk with those around you about them, and the help calling the clergy can be. 

If you’re stuck at home or hospital, please let us know. for any number of reasons, we might think you’re away or not realise what’s going on.

You might not be at death’s door - far from it.

If you or loved ones/neighbours are in the last stages (weeks or hours) of life, please do call us, too.

The most unlikely people do want to chat. In this parish in just the last few months I have had two illuminating egs of this. A life long atheist, who had no intention go coming to faith, or having a funeral or anything like that really did appreciate a chat (that her neighbour arranged). She said she most appreciated someone talking straightforwardly about death, as clergy do (being sort-of caretakers or maintenance people for the machinery of the space between this world and the next). She said she wanted to die. I said I’d pray for a swift and smooth death and she said ‘that is the most sensible thing anyone has said to me in weeks!’. I visited her a few times before she died, and then went round and saw the family and her in the couple of hours after she died before her body was taken away. It was really healthy and helpful, and the family tell me it was helpful for them, again despite not being churchgoers. 

And another, final e.g. was a local resident on his deathbed who clearly wasn’t settled. I had been visiting for months. But suddenly he was agitated. He made his first confession and his last confession. A very unlikely candidate for such a thing. But, unburdened, slipped away a couple of hours later having been anointed and prayed for with peace of mind. I would never have dreamed such a text book, very C of E death for this person. The healthy practice of examination of conscience and unburdening and a fresh start is good for throughout our lives, you don’t have to wait (like a Hollywood film!) for the last minute. 

But basically, knowing we’re here to call. Those around you knowing to give us a call. And those around you knowing your wishes, and having them written down(!) for our funerals etc is a very good thing. I have a folder full of people’s funeral plans in the rectory (including my own). I often plan funerals with people - hopefully long in advance - music, readings, the feel and tone. It is a good thing to do.

Jane Williams - A Christian Funeral: A Guide for the Family

Caleb Wild - Confessions of a funeral director - how the business of death saved my life

John Wyatt - Dying Well

John Swinton - Dementia, Living in the Memories of God

John Swinton, Living Well and Dying Faithfully: Christian Practices for End-of-Life Care

Nicholas Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son

CS Lewis - A Grief Observed

Malcolm Duncan - Good Grief - Living with Sorry and Loss

Leslie Allen - A Liturgy of Grief - A Pastoral Commentary on Lamentations

Paul Billheimer - Don’t waste your sorrows

Fr Richard Coles - The Madness of Grief

III

Today we think about legacy.

And really this means we’re thinking about relationships, about nurturing the people behind us in the great conga-line that is people and God.

The children who’s faith we have nurtured. Fellow adults we have nurtured. Churchwardens and PCC members past and present for whom this place and all that happens here is your legacy. Sidespeople, who form and hand on a legacy of a culture of welcome and warmth.

Legacy. everybody lives and everybody dies. And although we don’t get to control our legacy, and it isn’t about ego and grand monuments, it is about service and love. Legacy at its best is a gift given, without possessiveness.

Think of AMT and generations of church musicians she has taught and nourished, who now themselves do the same.

Beryl and David who started the St Giles’ Book fair - and now look at how much life it brings to our community. 

Legacy can be practical, like care for church buildings, or the continuation of thriving committees. It can be human, in people and culture.  

There is also the legacy of prayer. Spiritual habits and as architects/builders of this temple made of living stones, not just stones of the rock variety. The unmeasurable legacy of prayer and the lives it touches and changes in our parish and wider human family is HUGE.

There is also, of course, financial legacy. In my timer here, I would love to endow the music and ministry, so that the interest of a capital fund could secure the services of a Director or Music and Organist and Choir, and a curate or Asst Priest irrespective of the day to day finances of the parish. A well managed, large enough capital fund, would protect the music and ministry for centuries. And getting that fund together (as lots of City centre churches have done, and benefited from over the centuries), needing (realistically) a couple of million pounds, is most likely to come from legacies. From people leaving a chunk of their estate to St Giles’, as I have done (not that its worth much, but still), and I really suggest you do too. If a few people without direct dependents left us their homes when they died and after care and other costs were covered, we might build that fund reasonably quickly. Sustaining the worship and ministry of St Giles’ for generations to come, decades and centuries, is a really wonderful legacy for you and I to pass on in the great game of leapfrog we call life!

The legacies of people, culture, prayer and worship, buildings and community, and financial legacy.

It is all to recognise the gift of life that has been given to us, that we steward, and then pass on.

IV

Now, as you know, we are talking particularly about death this month, and last week Fr Jack got up to life after death, and there’s not really anything I can say after that, so instead I’d just like to focus briefly on those who are left behind, and particularly how you can care for them after you are gone.

I cannot emphasise to you enough just how important it is to think about your funeral now. Talk it through with your loved ones, let them be part of your decision-making. Talk to your clergy about what you would like, ask us how it works, the types of thing you can have, what might work best. Bring people into that conversation and write out what your funeral plan is and then store it securely, which we can do here at church. For those of you who have been tasked with organising a funeral, you know how conflicting it can be when, amid the agony of grief, you’re suddenly burdened with guessing what your departed loved one would like, and whether you’re doing them justice. So talk it through and plan it now. It’s a real way you can care for your loved ones and make their lives easier once you’re gone.

Now, I’m not going to tell you what to have in your funeral, or anything like that. But I would just like to suggest a couple of things that I think are important about the nature of a funeral. I think we too often think that your funeral is about you. Of course it is, to a great extent, but perhaps more importantly, it’s about those you leave behind. The funeral is a chance for them to process the enormity of their loss, so when planning, don’t necessarily make it a re-run of This is Your Life complete with all your best hits. Instead, consider what they will need: both honouring your life, and coming to terms with your death.

And one other thing on that. Don’t be afraid of the word ‘death’. If it’s your funeral, that is what will have happened. Whilst we, as Christians, believe that this is the gateway to eternal life and the beatific vision, that doesn’t take away the pain of the reality of death. Now, it’s entirely up to you what you have, but I would suggest people don’t try to undermine this reality. Readings like ‘Death is nothing at all’ or ‘Do not stand at my grave and weep’; obligations to wear bright colours and call it a celebration of life; getting rid of the words death and dying, and using words like passing etc. None of these is inherently bad, and they’re all understandable, but the funeral is a safe space, in which it’s ok, indeed often important, to be sad, to cry, to look death in the face. So have a think about how your funeral plans can engage with the reality of death.

And finally: no matter how old you are, no matter what stage of life, no matter what reasons you can find not to, please, please, please make a will. I know it sounds obvious, but so many people have false assumptions that when I die, everything will naturally go to x, y or z. And often it really doesn’t. Or it might do, but x, y or z have to spend months and months arguing with the powers that be to make sure it does. Don’t inflict that on your loved ones. Make a will. And discuss that too. No Agatha-Christie-style surprises at the funeral.

So all of that could be summarised as: get used to talking about your death. Indeed, that’s what this whole month has been about. Sister Death, as we Franciscans call her, is a part of life, and we as Christians should be bold in talking about it, practical in facing it, and hopeful of the glory that it opens to us.